OCD Onset
My life changed at the age of 16 during a trip to French Guiana. That is when Obsessive Compulsive Disorder began. The trigger was taking a medication (Lariam, mefloquine) to prevent malaria because I was traveling to a high-risk area. Within a few days, it caused me insomnia, nightmares, and intense anxiety. A doctor advised me to stop taking it, but by then the compulsions, unsafe behaviors, and irrational fears had already begun.
The thoughts and sensations I experienced caused me a great deal of distress and an urge to perform compulsions, either mental or physical. Doing them momentarily relieved and reduced my anxiety, but that relief only made the “bad” thoughts, fears, and insecurities return even stronger, driven by negative reinforcement in an endless cycle. In my case, the compulsive behavior involved checking that I had not done anything immoral or morally harmed anyone—first through physical checking and later mentally—and this gradually became an ever-growing loop.
When I returned to Spain, I could do nothing but compulsions. At first it almost seemed like a game, until one day it spiraled out of control: my compulsions became my absolute priority. I spent all my time performing compulsions. I became frightened, but because it was something mental, nobody noticed, and I kept it hidden out of shame, although the people closest to me saw that I had become more irritable. People with OCD are very good actors.
I remained in that situation for about four years until I fell into a major depression episode during my final year at university. I saw a psychoanalytic psychiatrist who made me feel guilty. Later I went to another psychiatrist who diagnosed me with OCD, prescribed an antidepressant (Anafranil, clomipramine), and recommended a self-help book (Stop Obsessing!: How to Overcome Your Obsessions and Compulsions by Edna Foa). I barely managed to read it because the medication triggered a hypomanic episode and the OCD disappeared temporarily; however, this phase only lasted a few months before I fell back into depression. This cycle repeated several times. Due to anxiety, depression, and OCD, I was unable to finish my degree. I later saw another psychiatrist and two cognitive-behavioral psychologists who never explained to me what OCD actually was or told me about the first-line treatment, Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP).
Tired of studying and being unable to graduate, I decided to start working. Metaphorically, work felt like being in a concentration camp: terrified by intrusive thoughts, feelings of threat, and compulsions that consumed me full-time. Nobody realized it because I hid it very well. I had already gone through several professionals without success; I could not continue living like this. I had already begun having suicidal thoughts. I thought there had to be another way out of this hell and toward a life worth living. I had also developed a dependence on benzodiazepines (anti-anxiety medications) prescribed by psychiatrists. I reread Foa’s book and discovered there was a treatment I had never received before: ERP. I brought the book to one of the psychologists who had treated me, and he told me it was not part of his therapeutic approach. In Zaragoza (the city where I live), there was nobody offering this therapy, but I found a psychologist specialized in OCD in another city 260 km (160 mi) away. At some point, he had to travel to my home to make mass exposure and response prevention treatment and help me complete my first ERP exercise. For the first time in 20 years, I did not perform any compulsions. I managed to escape the prison of OCD, even if only for a moment—I felt freedom.
OCD Advocacy
In 2017, I decided to promote TOC Zaragoza, a non-profit OCD organization, in order to guide other people in the same situation as mine, since no such resource existed in Zaragoza. Most importantly, I wanted to meet other people affected by OCD because of the enormous benefit provided by peer support groups.
Since traditional weekly therapy was not enough, I was advised to undergo residential treatment in a private OCD treatment center to progress more quickly. Despite working very hard, I only achieved 20% remission. I left without hope. Later, I realized they were not qualified to treat Moral Scrupulosity OCD. I then attended a public mental health hospital with an OCD intensive outpatient program, but I barely improved.
Thanks to the International OCD Foundation, I understood that professionals need to be highly specialized and experienced in the specific subtype of OCD in order to treat it effectively. There I finally found information that described my OCD subtype and explained how to treat it successfully.
Yann Lana
IOCDF Advocate and TOC Zaragoza Board Member