About Orchard OCD

My OCD Story In 6th grade, I was homeschooled. Not because of anything anyone could see from the outside. But because everything felt darkly overwhelming. I didn't have words for it then. The closest I could get was this. It felt like my soul was being ripped in half. That was the beginning. Or at least the first time I couldn't hide it. Through my 20s I got very good at pretending. Holding it all in. Smiling through it at work, showing up for people, putting on a face day in and day out while slowly falling apart on the inside. I was anxious, lost, and scared in a way I couldn't explain. The intrusive thoughts made me feel like I was a terrible person. Like something was deeply, fundamentally wrong with me. I didn't know what OCD was. I just knew my mind felt like a place I didn't want to be. It led to mental breakdowns. And still, I held it in. The scariest part wasn't the thoughts themselves. It was the shame around them. OCD handed me unwanted, intrusive thoughts and then told me they meant something about who I was. That I was dangerous. That I was secretly a monster. I know now that couldn't be further from the truth. But when you're in it, alone, with no name for what's happening, you believe it. The moment I couldn't pretend anymore There came a point where I didn't think I was going to be functional anymore. I was scared I couldn't take care of my family. And I remember being scared to even be around my kids because my intrusive thoughts made me feel like I was dangerous to them. That was my lowest moment. But something else lived inside that fear too. A voice that said I am not going to end up like my father. Addicted. Gone. Abandoning the people who needed him. That was not going to be my story. So I stopped caring what people thought. I got honest about not being okay. And I asked for help. The diagnosis that changed everything My OCD diagnosis didn't come right away. It actually revealed itself through a medication trial specifically used for OCD. When I started improving in ways I hadn't before, that's when the picture became clear. There was a name for what I had been carrying my entire life. I told my wife first. Then my best friend. That was enough to start. What I want people to understand about OCD is this, it isn't always what you see in movies or TV. It isn't just hand washing or checking locks. Mental compulsions are the heart of it. The invisible ones. The ones that happen entirely inside your mind, all day long, that nobody around you can see. That's what makes it so isolating. And that's why so many people suffer in silence for years without ever knowing what's wrong. I was one of them. For a long time. What's on the other side Today OCD does not control me. I know myself well. I know what my mind and body are trying to do, and I ride that wave instead of fighting it. Becoming a husband gave me strength I didn't know I had. Becoming a father gave me something worth fighting for. And going through all of it made me a better leader, more empathetic, more human, more able to sit with someone else's pain without flinching. My wife knows. My kids know. But I don't make excuses and I never let it become one. It's part of my story, not a reason to stay stuck. There was a moment, one specific moment, when I finally let myself relax. Really relax. And I realized the weight was gone. That emotional and mental heaviness that had held me against the ground for so long had lifted. Life felt wonderful in a way I hadn't known was possible. That's what I want for you. If you're reading this and hiding Hiding your true self is the deepest pain you can hold. I know because I carried it for years. It is okay to not have it all together. Asking for help is not weakness. It is the bravest, most honest thing you can do. That is what a true leader looks like. That is what a true person looks like. You are not a monster. You are not broken. You are not alone. There is life on the other side of this. A full one. A free one. by Brandon Williams

OCD Onset My life changed at the age of 16 during a trip to French Guiana. That is when Obsessive Compulsive Disorder began. The trigger was taking a medication (Lariam, mefloquine) to prevent malaria because I was traveling to a high-risk area. Within a few days, it caused me insomnia, nightmares, and intense anxiety. A doctor advised me to stop taking it, but by then the compulsions, unsafe behaviors, and irrational fears had already begun. The thoughts and sensations I experienced caused me a great deal of distress and an urge to perform compulsions, either mental or physical. Doing them momentarily relieved and reduced my anxiety, but that relief only made the “bad” thoughts, fears, and insecurities return even stronger, driven by negative reinforcement in an endless cycle. In my case, the compulsive behavior involved checking that I had not done anything immoral or morally harmed anyone—first through physical checking and later mentally—and this gradually became an ever-growing loop. When I returned to Spain, I could do nothing but compulsions. At first it almost seemed like a game, until one day it spiraled out of control: my compulsions became my absolute priority. I spent all my time performing compulsions. I became frightened, but because it was something mental, nobody noticed, and I kept it hidden out of shame, although the people closest to me saw that I had become more irritable. People with OCD are very good actors. I remained in that situation for about four years until I fell into a major depression episode during my final year at university. I saw a psychoanalytic psychiatrist who made me feel guilty. Later I went to another psychiatrist who diagnosed me with OCD, prescribed an antidepressant (Anafranil, clomipramine), and recommended a self-help book (Stop Obsessing!: How to Overcome Your Obsessions and Compulsions by Edna Foa). I barely managed to read it because the medication triggered a hypomanic episode and the OCD disappeared temporarily; however, this phase only lasted a few months before I fell back into depression. This cycle repeated several times. Due to anxiety, depression, and OCD, I was unable to finish my degree. I later saw another psychiatrist and two cognitive-behavioral psychologists who never explained to me what OCD actually was or told me about the first-line treatment, Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). Tired of studying and being unable to graduate, I decided to start working. Metaphorically, work felt like being in a concentration camp: terrified by intrusive thoughts, feelings of threat, and compulsions that consumed me full-time. Nobody realized it because I hid it very well. I had already gone through several professionals without success; I could not continue living like this. I had already begun having suicidal thoughts. I thought there had to be another way out of this hell and toward a life worth living. I had also developed a dependence on benzodiazepines (anti-anxiety medications) prescribed by psychiatrists. I reread Foa’s book and discovered there was a treatment I had never received before: ERP. I brought the book to one of the psychologists who had treated me, and he told me it was not part of his therapeutic approach. In Zaragoza (the city where I live), there was nobody offering this therapy, but I found a psychologist specialized in OCD in another city 260 km (160 mi) away. At some point, he had to travel to my home to make mass exposure and response prevention treatment and help me complete my first ERP exercise. For the first time in 20 years, I did not perform any compulsions. I managed to escape the prison of OCD, even if only for a moment—I felt freedom. OCD Advocacy In 2017, I decided to promote TOC Zaragoza, a non-profit OCD organization, in order to guide other people in the same situation as mine, since no such resource existed in Zaragoza. Most importantly, I wanted to meet other people affected by OCD because of the enormous benefit provided by peer support groups. Since traditional weekly therapy was not enough, I was advised to undergo residential treatment in a private OCD treatment center to progress more quickly. Despite working very hard, I only achieved 20% remission. I left without hope. Later, I realized they were not qualified to treat Moral Scrupulosity OCD. I then attended a public mental health hospital with an OCD intensive outpatient program, but I barely improved. Thanks to the International OCD Foundation, I understood that professionals need to be highly specialized and experienced in the specific subtype of OCD in order to treat it effectively. There I finally found information that described my OCD subtype and explained how to treat it successfully. Yann LanaIOCDF Advocate and TOC Zaragoza Board Member

Personal OCD Story from Mourice Schuurmans For as long as I can remember, I dealt with everything on my own. Emotions, stress, fear, problems. I always found a way to push through. At primary school, I was bullied for years. At first it was verbal. Later, it became physical. At home, emotions were not really something we talked about, so I learned to carry my fear in silence. Over time, the stress, anxiety, and unresolved emotions built up. When I turned 16, the bullying stopped, and for a while it felt like my life was finally moving in the right direction. I thought that meant my fears would disappear too. They did not. After years of living with an underlying anxiety disorder, OCD hit me suddenly at 27. Almost overnight, my mind became a nightmare. I was flooded with violent, deeply distressing intrusive thoughts about the people I loved most. My brain moved from one terrifying fear to the next. To be completely honest, I felt like a monster. It was relentless. Fear, panic, guilt, and terror, every day. I would not wish it on anyone. The diagnosis and the wait that nearly broke me When I finally went to my GP, I was referred to mental health services quite quickly. The diagnosis was OCD. For the first time, I felt relief. There was a name for what was happening. I was not going crazy. I was not alone. That day, I felt a kind of calm I had not felt in a long time. Then I found out I would have to wait eight months for therapy. Eight months. I could barely keep my head above water. I genuinely did not know how I was supposed to get through it. Every day became about survival. No treatment yet. No real support. Just me, trapped in an endless stream of intrusive thoughts. I felt completely powerless. So I started searching for answers myself. I read every book on OCD I could find. I listened to podcasts. I watched countless videos. I was desperate for anything that could give me even a little relief from the fear I was living with. It was not a perfect way to recover. It was chaotic, exhausting, and lonely. But it gave me enough to keep going. The hardest fight of my life When therapy finally started, things began to change. For the first time, I learned that avoiding fear was not the answer. The only way out was through. ERP therapy, exposure and response prevention, taught me that I could allow even my most terrifying thoughts to be there without reacting to them. No reassurance. No checking. No trying to force certainty. Just letting the thoughts exist without giving them power. I will not pretend it was easy. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Everything in me wanted to run away from the fear. But with the help of my therapist, I slowly learned to face it. Step by step, I confronted the thoughts I had spent so long trying to escape. And slowly, something shifted. The fear became less intense. The thoughts started to lose their grip. For the first time in a long time, I felt calm in my body again. I still remember one particular day when I felt something I had almost forgotten existed: peace. And even joy. Where I am now Today, OCD no longer controls me. I have learned how to respond to fear differently. I understand how OCD works, and I know how to keep it from taking over my life. In my day-to-day life, it barely affects me anymore. But that period changed me. OCD can tear apart your sense of reality. It can destroy your self-image, your confidence, and your ability to trust yourself. Nobody should have to go through that alone. To anyone reading this who is struggling with OCD: you are not alone. There are so many people who have stood where you are standing now. I was one of them. Many of us have come out the other side and now live without OCD controlling our day-to-day lives. OCD is horrific. You did not deserve this. But please remember: OCD does not have to be a life sentence. There is life after OCD. Note on the author: Mourice is an International OCD Foundation (IOCDF) Advocate from the Netherlands, and is the Co-founder of ObsessLess