About Orchard OCD

In this week's blog, Josh shares his OCD story:Did I leave the tap on? I did check it before I left, but what if I made a mistake? What if it’s still running and flooding the kitchen? I listen closely from my bed…nothing I can hear. It must be off. But I should make sure. Electricity builds up in my legs. The urge is too much, like an orchestra reaching a crescendo. I won't be able to sleep if I don't check. I spring out of bed and make my way into the kitchen. Of course, it has been off all along. The frightening images of a flood of my doing fade away instantaneously. I still feel nervous energy in my body. But what if something else is on… I need to check again. This was my daily routine, night after night. Constantly checking taps, hobs and doors unlocked. I knew something was off about being this careful, and I was spiralling into a loop, becoming more entrenched with each compulsion. Ordinary tasks such as leaving my flat gradually over the years became gargantuan with multiple increasing mental checklists, having to video/take photos of each household hazard and extra concluding last-minute rechecks. Logically, I knew everything was switched off and safe, but everything boiled down to my OCD was never truly satisfied without absolute certainty. The anxiety I felt was not solely mental. It manifested itself physically and was exhausting, causing my heart to race and a constant buzzing, nervous energy, which eased only briefly with my submission to the checking loops.  Over time, I discovered  ways to respond differently to these urges. Seeking support from my family and a therapist specialising in OCD allowed me the support system to lay the foundations for recovery. Practice with mindfulness taught me to notice thoughts without immediately acting on them, which made them feel less ‘sticky’. Daily meditation allowed me precious moments without rumination and practice letting go of control of my thoughts.   Eventually, by fully immersing myself in challenging experiences and experimenting with different approaches, I was able to break the loops that once felt impossible to escape. Combining reflection, guided interventions, and deliberate exposure to triggers with ERP helped me reclaim control over my daily life.  In daily life, I’m still confronted with occasional intrusive thoughts, but I’ve learned to notice the urge to check without feeling compelled by it, which took lots of practice. That I have a choice in what to believe, and that I can live with some uncertainty. That the catastrophes my OCD imagines never actually happen, despite how real the consequences seem. These insights did not make OCD disappear overnight, but they have strengthened my ability to trust myself. They have reminded me of the control I have of my body and actions, regardless of intrusive thoughts.  

In this week's blog, Hussain shares his OCD story:For years, I didn’t know I had OCD.I just thought something was deeply wrong with me.My mind produced thoughts I was terrified of—violent, disturbing, blasphemous thoughts that went completely against who I was. They felt intrusive, unwanted, and cruel. The worst part wasn’t the thoughts themselves, but what OCD told me those thoughts meant.It said they revealed my true character.It said I was dangerous.It said I was one mistake away from ruining everything.So I tried to control my mind.I monitored every thought.I checked my intentions constantly.I replayed moments in my head, searching for certainty that I hadn’t done something wrong.I didn’t realize I was feeding OCD the entire time.When Fear Followed Me Everywhere One of the most exhausting themes OCD attached itself to was the fear of harming someone.If I drove over a bump in the road, my heart would drop. My mind instantly told me I had hit someone. I would replay the drive over and over, scan my memory, check my emotions, even look for reassurance in my surroundings. No amount of logic helped. OCD always found another “what if.”There were days I felt trapped inside my own head, unable to trust my senses, my memory, or myself.At other times, OCD targeted my faith.I experienced religious scrupulosity that made me afraid of my own thoughts during prayer. I felt intense guilt for things I never chose to think. I tried to suppress thoughts, neutralize them, or punish myself mentally for having them.It was exhausting. And incredibly lonely.From the outside, I looked normal.Inside, I was constantly at war.The Shift That Changed EverythingThings didn’t change because I found the “right” reassurance or finally proved my fears wrong.They changed when I began to understand OCD.I learned that intrusive thoughts are not intentions.That anxiety is not evidence.That OCD survives on checking, reassurance, and mental rituals.The hardest lesson was this: I didn’t need certainty to move forward.I slowly learned to stop engaging with the thoughts. To let them exist without arguing, analyzing, or fixing them. At first, this felt terrifying—like giving up control. But over time, something surprising happened.The thoughts lost their power.Not because they disappeared, but because I stopped treating them as meaningful.Why I Share My Story I share my story because I know how convincing OCD can be when you’re in it.I know how real the fear feels.I know how much shame can come with thoughts you’d never choose.And I know how hard it is to explain OCD to someone who hasn’t lived it.That’s why I created The Struggling Warrior — a space where OCD is talked about honestly, without sugarcoating or stereotypes. On my website, I share personal stories, educational articles, and recovery-focused tools built from both lived experience and evidence-based therapy approaches.Writing became a way for me to make sense of what I went through—and to help others feel less alone. You can find more of my work, resources, and ongoing projects at https://thestrugglingwarrior.com/ If You’re Reading This and Struggling If OCD has convinced you that your thoughts define you, please hear this:They don’t.OCD attacks what you care about most.It thrives on doubt, guilt, and fear.And it can make even the strongest person feel broken.You are not broken.Recovery isn’t about becoming your old self again. It’s about learning how to live fully—even with uncertainty—and realizing you were never the problem in the first place.If my story helps even one person feel understood, then sharing it is worth it.

We are happy to introduce you all to our new member of staff, Ana Maria! Ana Maria has just started working for Orchard OCD as Fundraising and Communications Officer. She will liaise with partners, donors, and collaborators, and help disseminate Orchard's work, so that more people can access ground-breaking research. In this week’s blog, we learn more about Ana Maria and the work she will be doing for Orchard OCD. Hello, Ana Maria! How are you feeling about starting work at Orchard OCD? Hi, everyone! I am beyond excited to start working at Orchard OCD! I have known Orchard for many years, and their work is unparalleled. Orchard comprises everything that I love and care most about, which is people's wellbeing, patient co-production, and research. It has all the features and support offered by charities whilst pushing the boundaries of OCD research in a rigorous scientific way. I cannot wait to be a part of the team! Can you tell us a little bit about yourself? As you can probably tell by the long name, I am Brazilian and have moved to the UK in 2017 to pursue a PhD in Psychology at the University of Cambridge, under the supervision of Professor Trevor Robbins, a world renowned OCD researcher. It was during my PhD that I truly understood what it meant to live with OCD, as, despite having a bachelor's and a master's degree in Psychology, no academic work taught me as much as interacting with people with OCD. My research focused on understanding the factors that contribute to the difficulties in stopping obsessions and compulsions through neuroimaging (electroencephalography) and on evaluating a new intervention for OCD, which led me to work with Professor Naomi Fineberg, my current postdoctoral supervisor at the University of Hertfordshire. What are you working on to start things off at Orchard? I have started with full energy and, thanks to Margherita's help, am having the best training! I am working on disseminating Orchard's work through social media and webinars, which will bring the latest in OCD research! We are hoping to increase fundraising targets to be able to conduct cutting-edge studies, so I am focusing on research grants and collaborations. Please contact me if you have any suggestions! What are your hobbies outside of work? I do love a good book under the blankets and watching period pieces, although I have a particular soft spot for West End musicals too! I love practising sports and have trained karate since I was 5 years old. Nowadays I have been testing myself on cricket (British influence) and tennis, but my regular exercise is running and gym. I have two cats and enjoy spending time playing with them. Welcome, Ana Maria! Got any fundraising, communication, or research ideas? Please email Ana Maria at anamaria@orchardocd.org to start a conversation.